I went out today for another hour around sunset strolling around Taipei Main Station, a place I’ve walked around before. Very much like yesterday, I struggled to take any meaningful shots, “meaningful” meaning taking the risk to get close to a stranger and to just go for it when I feel the calling to.
“What risks are you willing to take?”
My manager asked me this question this week about my professional career, but it’s still stuck in my head and when I apply it to photography — what am I really risking?
Today I identified the reason for my hesitancy in lifting the camera to my face and shooting. I noticed that when I saw a moment, I would stiff up, glance around, and notice a passerby looking at me and even if they weren’t, I found myself caught up in my own head thinking that others were watching me and maybe not necessarily judging me, but by doing this I was drawing attention to myself.
In reality, I know no one gives a shit. People are caught up in their own business. Why am I overthinking this? At least my anxiety was less than yesterday. Today I felt more courage to take the risk, to take a chance at something where I have no idea what might happen. The anxiety aspect probably comes from feeling like I’m regressing. I had gotten to a point before the pandemic of taking big personal risks — improv, acting, picking up street photography and my time in New York.
My emotions feel like a mix of 70% “Why are people looking at me?” and 30% “That’s not even important, what’s more important is just do it Matt! Ask and be ok with being rejected or yelled at or most likely, looking like a fool to maybe someone who notices while they walk by but then proceeds to look down on their phone.”
At least this 70/30 is down from yesterday’s 90/10.
I’ve mentioned the cultural differences being in Taiwan and that I’m feeling like I’ve assimilated a bit to the point here where I won’t take that initial risk. But when I think about it, I’ve taken so many pictures of people here and 99% don’t even say a thing. It might very well be the culture — I’m too “scared” (or “polite”) to take the shot and they’re too “scared” (or “polite”) to say anything if I did.
Maybe I need to use that to my advantage.
I had 3 big photo regrets today:
Not asking the identical clothes-wearing couple for a portrait
Not asking the swagged out grandma with floral prints at the bus stop
The homeless guy outside the station entrance clipping his fingernails. I felt like today I was shaking off the rust compared to yesterday in my observations. And this was it. Why is this guy, who’s most likely homeless, completely hunched over on the ground with the focus of a sculptor chipping away at his magnum opus, spending his time clipping his freaking toenails out of all the things I’d assume a homeless person would prioritize?! And I don’t take the picture.